Austin Longhorns

Top 5 Defensive Coordinators Available: Rapper Edition

5. Eminem

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Look, we all know Eminem is angry ALL the damn time. And I don’t just want that in our next defensive coordinator, I need it. One of the biggest flaws I saw in Texas this past season was lack of passion. I think with Eminem at the defensive helm, he could bring back some of that fire and energy we’ve clearly been missing. He’s also very available, as he hasn’t dropped an album in years.

However, the main issue I see with Eminem and why he isn’t ranked higher on this list, is he’s no longer in his prime. A lot of people are saying he’s lost his fastball. Quite frankly, it’s hard to disagree. I just think the price to lock him into a 3 year deal would be too steep for what we’d be getting in return. For that reason, I’m not sure he’d be a great fit for us at this time but definitely a guy you want to keep your eyes on.

4. 50 Cent

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Now this is a man who would bring instant street cred to the University of Texas. For years the haters across this country have been saying Texas is too soft. Charmen soft. That our team is filled with a bunch of high ranked recruits who want to be spoon fed their organic, gluten free smoothies after every practice. That these players aren’t willing to work to bring a title back to Austin. They want an extremely air conditioned locker room and warm towels to wipe their hands off after a game. Well, you bring in 50, that surely would change the perception of Texas being soft. I also think he’d bring a giant shift to our lockerrom culture.

BUT, as with Eminem, I’m afraid 50’s price would be too much for Texas. With rumors his net worth ranges from $150 million to broke, it’s hard to say how much money he’d want to coach our defense. I do think though that number is likely to be staggering. And with a long criminal record, he may just be too much of a publicity headache for our executives to want to put up with at such a high price.

3. Lizzo

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Bringing in Lizzo to coach up our boys may just be the move that turns this ship around. Because I truly believe she’s 100% that bitch. She’d bring instant energy to what otherwise has been a lackadaisical defense. A defense that week after week seems to have been bitten by the low T bug. Lizzo no doubt could change that. I also think with that high energy would come fun. Something we haven’t had a lot of here in Austin in quite some time.

The biggest problem I see with Lizzo is that with her sky rocketing fame this past year, she’s going to have a lot of suitors trying to snag her up this offseason. Is she really going to want to join a program with so much uncertainty at basically every coaching position?

2. Kayne West

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It’s no secret Kayne is a creative genius. So, I can only imagine what type of defensive schemes he could draw up week in and week out. There definitely would not be all out blitzes on 3rd and 15 that‘s for sure. He’d also bring a lot of flare to a team that’s been looking for some swag ever since Vince Young left for the NFL. In my opinion, the idea of our team in Yeezy cleats may just be too badass to pass up.

But with Kayne does come one glaring, giant issue; Kardashians. I don’t want those ladies anywhere near my team, especially my struggling defense.

1. Xzibit

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One of the biggest complaints about Todd Orlando was his inability to develop talent. The last two years we had top 5 recruiting classes in the nation, yet we still finished 108th out of 130th in defense. That’s a problem.

Enter, Xzibit. The man has a knack of taking raw, unearthed talent and developing into something special:

Image result for xzibit pimp my ride cars

If he can do to players, what he could do to cars, I think we have ourselves a National Championship here in Austin within the next three years, maybe even next season.

Bottom line, you just cannot pass up a guy with such an incredible turnaround resume. Which makes Xzibit the must have coach of all the rappers on this planet. Now it’s up to Coach Herman to go out and get him.


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