The Astros Trash Can Banger Has Come Out Of Hiding And Issued A Full Confession

That’s right it was me. Feels good to finally get that off my chest.

For all those asking, I did it on my own free will. There was no coercion or duress. I never even spoke to an Astros player, manager or executive. I did it because I’m addicted to stealing pitching signs. Love the rush. The thrill. The emotional high I got from spending my Saturdays watching hours of Yu Darvish film and finally figuring out just what pitch he’d throw when he picks his wedgie and curls his pinky up.

Do I regret it? No. Well kind of. But only because the media is now accusing the World Series Champion Astros of cheating. When in fact it was just me, a fan, doing my part to help warn my team of a possible upcoming pitch.

Now that I’ve admitted to being the trash can banger/drummer, I expect the MLB, Yankees twitter, Mike Friers, @jomboy and any others asshole who’s accused this storied franchise of cheating to issue an immediate apology. I’ll be waiting.